i still write like people reads this sometimes

2009-07-07 - 1:19 a.m.

I believe in rhythm and flow, to a point maybe...I use to debate the push and pull of life, but I am beginning to believe I have been making an horrible error in my perception. The balance of life, things are a certain way to maintain existence. Black to white and white to black meets in the middle for an equilibrium. If there becomes more black or more white though, the opposite will eventually become stronger to compensate. Believing this though sets a path straight for the middle, rather being neutral or impartial about most things. I tell myself I understand that the world works because of the push and pull between the differences of personalities and tastes, so therefore I have noticed and become an outsider. Perhaps a justification of any action or feeling would be possible then; if I feel deep compassion for muffins, then someone out there is severally vengeful towards their tasty nature. But really not much room is left for an opinion when such a rationality presents such leniency. I suppose I do not elude the balance either way, it seems impossible to escape, but then again what push or pull can anyone provide when they are already in the middle. Cycles and balances or present in nature, I think many would agree with this and as such the world maintains, but as a part of humanity a desire for individuality exists.

Hmm...my cousin died two weeks ago, and I still struggle for what to think or do. I am trying to present myself wide open, to let everything in and anything out, but I'm quite certain there has not been much traffic. I feel new found appreciation for my friends who were around for my cousin Jack's death, this situation has shown new awareness of how deep I actually let myself fall before. It is a surprise and so far I can only conclude there is possibility of discovering more or even not ever becoming truly unbiased and perceiving things for what they were. I feel thankful to learn how complex my cousin is, and the way he lived his life and treated others. Such awareness in others seems like an unconditional gift that I hope everyone can gain in their lifetime.

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