feelings of motivation verses distraction in any form

2009-07-24 - 11:13 p.m.

Let's look at reality closely, I miss people and wish I were around them and I believe I have never denied this. I enjoy meeting people but all the shit that comes with it brings me down. I hate waiting so long to call a girl after I get her number and I hate that I have to text instead of calling. Last time I check each day I age means I'm not getting any younger, so what is the fucking point of waiting. Girls have to be on guard for all the creeps and ass holes, so I heard, but I have hated making up for other boys' mistakes from the start. I hate how I feel like there's an anticipation of falling in like whenever entering a dating scenario or that I keep seeing it through until the girl stops talking to me, so she won't have to sit and wonder why she isn't good enough when I stop contact. I'm so ready to treat someone like a person when I met them instead of stranger that has to earn my attention. I hate to think I lost the part of me that provides any new understanding of the people around us, but I am not fearful that it has retreated. More so I am just frustrated as I get older I seemingly get less opportunities to present what I have offer. I'm tired of this lack of appreciation, I need to learn to relax and focus more when I'm alone. I think more than anything I hate to wonder if all the compromises I have made a part of myself based upon my bitter experiences will lead me astray from meeting people who I could have provided something personal and useful. This has all sounded like a useless justification to being shy.

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