the two selfs

2009-07-31 - 1:33 a.m.

I've been telling jokes lately, whether I can join in on the humor or not. This way at least the people around me are distracted from myself. I need to call some friends, even though I am still not sure what to say. The things I have been doing? That's easy, eating and trying to sleep. Exercise, because I can make physical gains, look for a job, because I can tell myself I will be self supportive this way, and talk to people, so I can wait for an opportunity to provide appropriate insight at the appropriate time. I still have the same goals, all of which are means sought out by myself and ultimately achieved by my mentality applied to what talents I have backed by self motivation and the guidance of those around me, negative or positive, and then my reception of this. A friend argued that we have all created own reality, but still if my reality created their reality, or everyone else's for that matter, their reality is still all they know just as mine is to me. I don't pyre anymore in some people. maybe that's a bit selfish of me, considering my goal was never to understand people myself, only to provide them with what I see. I am curious if I should reaffirm whether or not these are the intentions that drive me, or I suppose that is what I am doing right now. Sometimes when you call a 1-800 number they put you on hold for a while with the same repetitive recording playing, maybe my life has been on hold for too long cycling what I believed to be key memories. These memories are merely the conscious shapings into my personality yielding my present reactions to situations; the random memories are always the ones that blind side me though, with sustenance worth dwelling upon. I wonder if Cale's friends will ask me I have cried yet when I see them next. I think I hope for some parts to the whole from them, indirectly mostly. I have been accused of thinking too much before, and so maybe with that I have thought of the majority of scenarios and mental processes that people describe about. I think the time I feel truly humble again, is when I may finally have some release.

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