spontaneous onesies and nyc trips

2009-08-02 - 11:08 p.m.

I may be sitting in one of those rare moments in which things make some sense, and I may owe it to a photographer...Photographers are a bit weird, they talk a lot, and not necessarily in response to what you say or ask. The things they reply have something to do with what you say, but questions are never really answered. It is as if they're constantly trying to sell you something when there is nothing to buy most of the time. Or maybe something that's completely useless, such as auto insurance to something that doesn't own a car. But they ask the big questions and place all their bets on someone not having any real answers. Those are the holes they create for people to fall through, and when you hit they got you doing what you want. If I ever need a dose of someone to tell me I can fuck all the time and whoever I want, I know who to call now, what comfort life has to offer sometimes. I am challenged a bit though and I like that. Your life could be simple and filled with shallow pleasures!...great? Regardless I realized this weekend that I don't want to give in to Cale's death yet in a curious sense. Verbally I can admit he is no longer living, but I still feel the urge to carry the weight of it all. I had reasons for this, but they're not coming so clearly right now. Somehow I believe this all relates back to a time when I told myself I wasn't allowed to be happy until those close to me were. Be happy to lead by example or wander behind to pick up everyone's slack, maybe things can work both ways. Last night however I did struggle to fall asleep and remember the last thing I thought about before getting about five hours of shut eye was that hurt feeling of being abandoned by friends. I think it is okay to say that I put in most the effort in keeping contact with a majority of my friends, and it wears at me sometimes which makes me bitter. People are living though, and there's not reason to get mad about that. I am certain that we are still friends, and I am around unconditional, I don't think much else matters. I use to get excited about getting lost into the complexity of things genuinely believing I could fully understand certain aspects of life or anyone completely. It was an exciting belief, but now I am very into calling things how I see it, I am hoping I find a way to snap out of it before I miss the big picture.

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